The good place

"You may be the only person left who believes in you, but it's enough. It takes just one star to pierce a universe of darkness"     

-Richelle E. Goodrich

The reason I started writing publicly about my personal struggle with depression and anxiety was not to get attention or sympathy but it was simply to raise awareness that it is okay to feel that way and a lot of us go through hard times 

What I didn't talk about is my journey out of that place 

I have always had a strong desire to live, explore and experience new things but it was buried down under the burden of my emotional baggage that was dragging me down for the longest time. Drowning in my own sea of grief, I forgot that I am a surviver not a victim. 

Summer 2016, I took a brave step to break out of my routine and spent a summer in Debercen university in Hungry. Being surrounded by a completely new environment and by all the new people I met there helped me to come to the realisation that it is about time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and start to change some things.
During my stay there I had the chance to be anyone I wanted to be, but the only person I wanted to be was my old self, before Krakow, before the winter depression, before the self-sabotage, before the self-hatered, before all this nonsense.
I just wanted to be me.
The social me, the cheerful, the intelligent,  the confident, the loud,  rude and vulgar me. The me that didn't give two shits about what people thought of her and she wore that attitude with pride.

Back then I made it my mission to reestablish things and create a life that I will love and enjoy.
I have met people that inspired me to turn my life around and to that I will forever be grateful.
This is not an invitation to sit there and wait for someone to come into your life and help you realise that change is possible.
This is an invitation to go out there, out of your bubble, out of your comfort zone, out of what you think you know and break the circle. Meet someone new or ten, talk to strangers and reach out to old friends that might have a word of wisdom that you could use.
Learn about the wonderful things that are happening around the world and the wonderful people who are living in it.
Do something with your life!

The path to find oneself is not paved with rainbows and flowers. 

If it was, everyone would have gladly taken that journey 

It was a bumpy road, filled with thrones and stones and even sometimes storms. I had to reflect on a lot of what I was brought up with as morally correct and what was expected of me to do in certain situations. And then I had to take another look at what I have became and what I thought was the right thing to do and what I actually wanted to do. 

So I ran away 

I ran away from my problems 

I ran away from finding answers

I ran away from making a decision 

I ran away from my emotional instability 

I ran away from all the obstacles I was facing 

I ran away from my current life in Krakow 

I ran away from my past life in Saudi 

And boy, I was a good runner 

For good two years I was keeping myself distracted, preoccupied with social events and networking, 

jumping from an airplane to another, from a country to another, from an adventure to another from a relationship to another

What seemed on the outside as "she is living the life" 

Was on the inside "she is running away from life" 

I ran and I ran and I ran 

Until there was no more running to do 

By the time I stopped to look back

I have drifted far far away from everyone I knew and I never really met someone who knew who I was or who I became  

I fell back into the depression loop again

This time it was different 

This time I was so overwhelmed with all what happened I couldn't process it 

Or process anything for that matter 

I lacked insight into my own feelings and behaviours

I became an emotional rollercoaster of continuous disasters 

Irritated , agitated and so aggressive I pushed everyone away

But yet again, life has its own mysterious ways of sorting things out

My path in life have been paved with difficulties but it lead me to other people who had it rough too.

The thing about such people is that they knew this path back to back and they been on this journey long enough to help you realise that : you were not upset because you didn't have small change in your wallet and the cashier gave you the 32,59 zlotys in coins. Or because the Tesco delivery guy brought the wrong water brand and you are stuck with sparkling water for the rest of the week. 

And it is not about the exam you failed in medical school or the wrong order that you got at the restaurant or the Norwegian bitch that outcasted you or that guy who never texted you back or about that racist lady on the bus or about the train you missed or that purse you forgot in your Uber.

They are excuses that we use to numb and paralyse ourselves emotionally 

They are all distractions 

So this time 

I decided to stay 

Instead of freaking out and running away (again)

I had to address all the issues that had been accumulating for the last not 6 but perhaps 25 years.

Each and everyone of us have deeper problems, bigger issues that they been overlooking because that's what they know and that's how they been taught to behave and deal with life 

These issues are the real cause behind our patterns of behaviours 

Our mood swings and disproportionate reactions to what we face in life 

No matter how much I want to deny it 

Not only that I have inherited my family's last name and their hopes and expectations but also their emotional baggage, their insecurities and habits

 and so started cleaning up my emotional mess

and surprise, surprise

the more order I had on the inside 

the more things fell into places on the outside 

It's been a long journey 

and I am still raw 

rediscovering anger, disappointment and denial 

rediscovering desire, joy and pleasure 

What matter the most is I have realised that I am on a journey to find balance and peace 

Emotional stability is not a destination you reach and stop moving 

It is not a permanently good place you sign a contract to rent 

In fact the good place seems to be more of a abstract concept 

It is a continuous search for love to oneself

And I have decided my love will come from within 

Whenever I start feeling bad about myself and start the cycle of self-blame and self-sabotage 

I have an alarm that goes off in my head to help me stop from doing more harm 

and this alarm is getting louder and louder the more I appreciate myself 

I have also came up with something that I've called "the positive self project" 

I started writing down good qualities I saw in my self on sticky notes and stick them to the mirror 

and every time I start doubting myself I recite the following out loud :

"You are : BADASS, BRAVE, SMART, STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, CHARMING, ATTRACTIVE, ADVENTUROUS , AWESOME, INTELLIGENT, KIND, WARM, CARING,LOVING, SOCIAL, SASSY, FUNNY, CUTE, INTERESTING, RESPECTFUL, KNOWLEDGABLE, DIPLOMATIC, LOUD, HONEST, VULNERABLE, HUMBLE, CREATIVE, OUTSTANDING, EMOTIONAL and NEVER EVER UNDERESTIMATE YOURSELF" 

12 June 2018

Who is behind the screen?

Who is behind the screen ?

It seems like a wise idea to start a personal blog by actually introducing myself. I usually identify myself as a perhaps little bit crazy 24 year young medical student.
For the last 3 years I been hammered by school work and examinations that I have forgotten many aspects of life away from medical field, lost a lot of friendships and been heavily isolated from people. But I am slowly pushing my way through those piles of medical books and the negativity that has been surrounding my life recently.
When I am not doing depressed; I am either running around, cooking, learning a new language or traveling. I like photography and poetry and I where ever I am, I'm usually that annoying person who will disturb you and start a conversation and listen attentively. My current mission these days seems to be discovering new cafes and typing about my experiences no matter how silly they are.

I have been complaining about my daily life in the form of written dairies since I was a teenager, in fact that is one of the ways I improved my English and practise spelling.
You see I happen to a native Arabic speaker who does not speak her mother tongue on a daily basis due to the fact that I have been living in Krakow, Poland for the last couple of years.

                                    Life in Saudi Arabia

                                            1993-2013

There are 2 kinds of people in my life currently: People who don't know where Saudi is and People who don't know where Poland is. If you don't know neither locations you're a living disaster and I don't understand how you actually have access to internet. I find that for a lot of people that I meet there is some sort of mystery and misguided media stereotypes about my country and it has created a general xenophobia towards my nationality and have stood as a barrier between me and a lot of people. I have learned throughout the years that in human interactions there is only a certain amount to positivty you can associate yourself with, a lot of it is also how others perceive you or think of you. 

Sunsetting on Persian Gulf where I grew up

I was born and raised in the land of constant sunshine, endless dunes of sand and lofty palm trees. A stereotypical image of a desert but my country is actually a land of diversity. We have seasides and mountains, oasis and deserts, cities and villages, Bedouin and city dwellers and funny enough we are heavily Americanised although we have a strong culture of our own. With a land area of approximately 2,150,000 km2 (830,000 sq mi), Saudi Arabia is geographically the fifth-largest state in Asia and second-largest state in the Arab world after Algeria. That is to say: THE COUNTRY IS HUGE. There is no one thing that we all do or wear or eat. depending on the region and the background of the area, people look, act, eat and do things differently. But at the end of the day we just a big fat loving country. 

The collective  

I come from a town with an esitemated population of 500,000 people.That is small in Arabic world. Growing up, I never though of myself as an individual. I was part of the collective society and the society has reflected back on me too. It was a beautiful combination that embraced my qualities that contributed and added something to the society. I also never had to do things on my own, there was always someone to do things for us and I had company all the time. There is no religious or political reason behind that it was just the way things are. Before studying abroad I don't think I ever ate a meal or went shopping alone. I was constantly surrounded by friends and family.

 It might sound overwhelming for someone who grew up in the western world where individualism is more promoted as a way of living. But in Eastern counties in general collectivism is still a core value. The concept of personal space is also non-exsictance and simply considered as a weird antisocial behaviour. At the time I was never bothered by how much everyone was involved in each others lives, after all that is how we been doing things for as long as I can remember.

The culture and values 

The Arabic culture stems from a very long history various empires trying to rule large area of resources and high religious values. Years of hunger and deprivation have surprisingly created a culture of generosity and open houses to visitors. Hospitality and serving people are highly valued and it is thought of as a reflection of good manners and well up bringing. As a well brought up kid, these values were engrave in my personality and will always be part of who I am no matter where I end up living or whom I am meeting. 

I come from a well known family in the community, it was not because of the financial or educational status of its members it was rather from the fact that my grandparents were very socially active and they have passed it to us as family members and in my country, such people are recognised and respected. Although I have no achievements on my own, I was always welcomed, recognised and greeted where ever I went. 

Education System  

Like a lot of counties in Middle East the single-gender education. I went to only girls school until university. What I didn't know before was the fact that more than 1/3 of schools in Australia are like that too. according to Wiki

Saudi Arabian Women

Although this might sound stupid but I have been constantly asked if women are allowed to be educated or allowed to work in Saudi and in my head the answer is "duh, of course they are" but I still face the same questions over and over again. Let me walk you through my life and tell you about women in my own family starting with my grandmother. 
My grandmother lived in a house made of wood, mud and bricks.She was not deprived from education but schooling was not accessed by everyone and only the rich have sent their kids to school. In her times when someone knew how to write and read, they would teach the other locals. Arabic language is very important in Islamic world it is the mean by which people can read and understand Qua'an and practice their religion. 

On the other hand my mother went to school and majored in Biological Sciences at university. She chose a teaching as a career path after that and she had higher education and was earning more than my father when they got married, he of course continued his education later in his life due to some personal reasons and now he earns more than her (sorry mom, you are not the provider anymore). 

I am studying abroad as I have stated before and I will be working as any other practising physician when I go back to my home country.

Misunderstandings we face 

There are a lot of frequently asked questions that we have to deal with carrying the green passport that we have and it might be difficult to answer them all but always bear in mind before asking me about something, I probably answered this question 1000 times before. So excuse my impatience.

Was written on 30 January 2017

Code blue

13 August 2018

It is another morning in the emergency department in Dammam city 

The beds are occupied by labour workers from other countries and road traffic victims 

A child with second to third degree burns due to spelling of boiling water on them 

Is it abuse? I wondered 

Call the plastic surgeons asked the doctor his nurse, "the patient was accepted already" he added 

It is 9:17 in the morning but feels like midnight in this busy room, another diabetic patient who has an infected wound on his foot .. I sighed

Hoping I won't be the person who has to clean it 

Suddenly 

4 paramedics in dark blue scrubs rush into the room, they are transporting a patient that I can't clearly see to the CPR area, this is trouble, my heart felt a little sting and I dropped what I was doing, put on some gloves and a surgical mask and rushed to help

The team gathered in few seconds 

Even before "CODE BLUE" was announced loudly in the speakers 

The ER specialist asked me to grab the Ultrasound machine ASAP and already started orchestrating the flow of the next few critical moments in this anonymous person's life 

or perhaps his death?

We check for pulse, start chest compressions , hook him into the cardiac monitors and check for any activities in the heart

Whatever messy lines were showed on the screen, it was because we moved the patient around 

His own heart has given up on him 

We keep compressing his chest, delivering oxygen and pushing Epinephrine in 

Ignoring the fact that we all know this guy is already dead 

We inquire more history about the patient as the nurse tries to obtain some quick blood samples yet she can barely get any, this man have probably collapsed a while back 

"Fixed dilated pupils" announced the team leader. 

I stand close by, ready to help yet observing the dynamics in the room, the dedication and fluidity of every single movement. Some delivering chest compressions and some delivering breaths 

Hoping that one of us could bring back this guy from the death 

I then look at the yet to be announced dead man 

Indian perhaps 

 30 something years old

Floppy body and blue lips 

Came here to find himself a better life

Little did he know this is where he is going to die

I then see a reflection of myself, found unconscious in a foreign country away from my family and my beloved ones.. Perhaps too late to be saved 

Surrounded by strangers who are speaking a language that I don't understand

An ugly feeling of deep sadness creeps in my insides 

I don't want to die alone 

I brush that thought off and walk away to wash my hands

Time of death 9:35 the doctor announced 

  

Students, paramedics and doctors walk away from the scene, leaving the mess for the nurses to clean 

I take another look at the man's face before I leave 

Paying respect to his soul and wishing him a better life, somewhere else perhaps ?

 The consultant breaks the news to the family 

I can't bring myself to watch 

A general feeling of disappointment captivate the place, we all know that humans die but we refuse to accept the facts when we witness it with our eyes

I look at my colleagues and we communicate our sorrow without using any words 

We go back to our stations and continue our work   

"Ah the diabetic foot again"

Depression dose wonders

Often times it is easier for us to recognize what others are going through and ignore what's going on in our heads 

Often times we disregard our own emotions and silent them 

Often times our vision of the world is distorted by our own inner chaos
Often times there are precious lives being taken away from us in hope of finding an escape

But how do we know when we are falling victims to our thoughts and feelings?

 

Depression and I go way back.
We met long time ago and we walked a long journey together until I decided it is about time to receive medical help. During my first year of medical school I had a major depressive episode that lasted a solid 7-8 months. Till this day I still have residual depressive symptoms because I was not probably treated at the time. But I am on my way to get out of there.
The reasons for my depression were a complicated combination of health issues, stressful new living situation and unhealthy interactions with people who were involved in my life at the time. Not to forget about unrealistic social expectations I was trying to keep up with while juggling all of the above.

Through out this time I dedicated a good amount of energy to document what I was going through my head and my feelings at the time to try to understand them. Recognising a problem is the first step a long the way of solving it. While I am not the kind of person who was taught to wear my heart on my sleeve I can say that the closer I grew to my feelings the less ashamed I became about them and the more I encourage everyone else to acknowledge and embrace their emotions.

In a lot of cases we used the word "depressed" very lightly and we don't really take someone seriously if they are feeling down. Here are my observations to when to address your concerns when it comes to feeling down. 

We are all humans, we are prone to having bad days and mood swings, but when your bad day becomes a week and the week becomes months then you may start getting worried about your mental health.

Depression and self-image
If you know me in person, you might think I am the kind of girl who comes off as social, adventurous and vibrating with life. I was not always like that. During the time I was depressed, I had to live with a very distorted self-image. I felt cautious about the way I looked and felt undesirable. I was haunted with a morbid fear of rejection and a strong sense of lack of worthiness. No matter how much I been told or reminded, I couldn't feel loved, cared for or needed. I felt like an empty pearl shell that used to have a valuable thing inside but no longer did. I was always anxious and oblivious of my own potentials. Deep inside me though I knew that is not who I am but it was difficult to remember that there was sun behind the clouds and there were a beautiful things waiting to be embraced after this heavy dark storm have cleared up.




Depression and health
A lot of health issues can cause physiological depression. In the sense that if you treat the medical condition, symptoms of feeling down will go away. Hormonal imbalances - especially in the case of women - can cause significant emotional disturbances. Check your thyroid function and other hormonal panels if you find yourself getting weak easily and have irregular periods.
Living in Northern countries and lack of sunshine for long periods of the year can cause vitamin D deficiency which is strongly associated with bad mood.

Sometimes it is the other way round, our mental health can significantly affect our physical health. Depression usually cause an array of vague unexplained physical symptoms. One can be fatigue and tired all the time for no obvious reasons, have disturbed sleeping cycle and either increased or decreased appetite. I personally used to have terrible tension headaches and dizziness that would not go away even with medication and suffered from sever generalised muscle and back pain.

Depression and joy
Usually when you are having a bad day or a mood swing, there is a list of enjoyable activities that you like doing that are likely to cheer you up. But when those things no longer "left your spirits up" it raise a concern that this is not just a temporary mood swing.

Depression and interests
Whenever you feel like you or someone you care about have lost interest in social activities and feels withdrawn form people it another red flag you should pay attention to. Although I never had desire to hurt myself a lot of people do, especially when they think that their life is no longer worth living.


Depression and seasons 

"Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a category of depression that emerges in particular seasons of the year. Most people notice SAD symptoms starting in the fall and increasing during the winter months, but a few people experience a spring/summer version

 These might include a depressed mood, feelings of hopelessness, a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating, changes in sleep and appetite, a loss of pleasure in activities you once loved, and even thoughts of death or suicide. Persons with the winter version of SAD might also notice the following unique symptoms: Heaviness in arms and legs , frequent oversleeping , cravings for carbohydrates/weight gain and relationship problems."

To read more about SAD click here 

Still concerned ? you can take this online test to check if you have symptoms of depression
Have a friend that you are worried about? forward them this post and encourage them to seek social, medical or psychological help

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Although we are all different and each one of us experience the world from a unique perspective

 I want to stress the fact that we all share the basic emotional needs

We all want to be understood, loved and appreciated 

If you know someone around you who might need to hear a kind word, be that person who says it

If you are the person who is in doubt, know you are not alone in this

Write down your feelings 

Dance your blues away

Draw them if you can

Talk to someone 

Together we are stronger 

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I'm writing this post in honour of a medical student who committed suicide last week and in hope that no more lives will be taken away in vein 

Rest in peace M

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My black dog Depression

Recommended for rainy days
Before reading grab a cup of tea and wrap up in a blanket
Be advised that this is a cynical blog and it is not meant to cheer you up

At the age of 20 and as I was starting my university education. I drew pictures in my mind of this part of my life as growing and thriving days, I painted those images with the brightest most lively colours. Just like how we describe those years of life in Arabic as; days of blooming. My blooming life turned into days of wither though and the flowers that I was hoping to harvest turned into thorns.

Krakow 

2013 - Present 

The sole purpose of me coming to Krakow was to study medicine as a part of an educational scholarship program that was adopting students who were excelling academically in highschool. You might get the impression that I must be very smart to get into such a program but the fact is; I was one of the very few people who were welling to get out of their comfort zone and experience life in a different country.

It was one of the most exciting events in my life and I was very enthusiastic about living abroad on my own and meeting different people and making new friends. The way I imagined it in my mind was as if every time I made a new connection, I stretched an elastic thread between me and another random place on this planet. I thought to myself, if I came to the world with an open heart to accept others into my life they by default will have the same attitude towards me. Soon afterwards I discovered that I was wrong.

Most of my stay in Krakow turned to be a series of misfortunate events, at least I thought it was. For the longest time I was in a state of sever depression that took a while for me to acknowledge. I couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't get along with people around me or form any new friendships. Everyone seemed to have grouped, clustered and coupled very quickly according to their nationality, language, race, colour or belief. I did not meet any of the criteria of people "worthy to talk to" or to include in that world.
For a whole month every morning I walked to class and said "Good morning" to my classmates no one responded to me. When I met a person I knew in the supermarket and said "Hi!" they would just walk pass me and ignore what they have just heard.
I was never invited for birthdays, thanksgivings or housewarmings. I would sit in a corner and listen to people talk about holidays plans, dinner parties and movies they are going to see and never heard the sentence "do you want to join?". Just one simple sentence was needed. 

I wondered if it was a form of unspoken segregation.

I wondered if this how it feels to be alienated.

I wondered if I was invisible.

For the longest time, I blamed myself for what I have called "social failure". I questioned my English, my personality, my looks, my smell, my colour, my background and even my religion. You name it, I had doubts in it. What can I fix? What can I change? For the first time in my life I explored all my insecurities and I felt awfully unwanted. My self-esteem hit the rock bottom.
I no longer perceived myself as the strong, energetic and lovable girl that I thought I was. And I cried.
I cried myself to sleep every single night for almost three years, wishing I knew what made me stand out in such a negative way that no one wished to be around that kind of a person.
I cried because I was sick of it.
I cried because I wanted it to stop.
I cried because I couldn't recognise myself.
I cried because I have become a foreigner.



I no longer wanted to be different, I no longer wished to be pointed out. I withdrew from life. I reached a stage in my life when even eating was a burden and sleeping was another battle.
I lost my desire to make new relationships or adapt to my new environment. There were days that I couldn't force myself to get up and do anything or see anyone. I had days when I didn't speak a word and I didn't have any contacts with other humans.
I was burdened by my own misery and pulled away from everything and everyone.


All I wanted was the same old faces that I am familiar with. The same old conversations that I am used to having. People who payed attention and cared. People who were happy and cheerful like me. Those who celebrated life and feared death. Those who had values and manners. Those who were nice and inclusive. Those who smiled at me and loved me the way I am.
When I left home, I thought that I will never miss it but I was so homesick to the point I became unfunctional. I miserably failed my life socially and almost academically too.

In spite of feeling all of this burden I pretended that everything was fine and I tried to carry my life normally as if I wasn't dealing with any of that. I woke up everyday, smiled and pretend that I was intrested in my own life. Once I start a mission it is not an option for me to abort. Of course I had to pay a very high price for my own stubbornness. 

Feelings react when they get ignored, they wait for you in a dark alley when you are looking away and stab you in the back again. I had to learn my lesson the hard way.
Admitting the problem is a very brave beginning and it is the most important step in this journey. One of the wrong ideas that I had on my mind that once I start addressing my depression as a state I will get rid of it. While in fact I only learned how to live with it. 

Depression needs to be embraced, understood, taught new tricks and ultimately brought to heel. 

I only learned that after 5 years of continuous struggle. 

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If you know me in person you would never guess I am unhappy or lacked interest in life at one point. But my depression have cost a lot through out the years, whether it was regarding my health, relationships or education. I have lost a lot throughout this battle, I was filled with regret and self hatred every time "I screwed up again". It was difficult to learn how to forgive myself and love it the way it was. Looking at a reflection of a broken and scared soul that I could never recognise. 

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To everyone who is out there reading this, I have last edited this blog on 17/05/2017 I was most likely depressed then. This year I was last visited by a depressive episode that lasted from December until April 2018. My depression comes and goes in waves and with variable altitude of damage.

Today, one year later I am still looking at it and knowing that the journey was not over. I had to admit I was still depressed, receive treatment and wait for it to work. I had to workout all the consequences of the residual symptoms depression have carried to my life and clean up the mess it brought. 

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Although I have developed an unhealthy habit of "running away" constantly from the core issue and keeping myself distracted by traveling or constantly trying new things I have soon realised no matter how much you try to numb your feelings and silent them they will eventually fire back and next time they hit back maybe the damage will be beyond repair. That's why I took it on myself to actually face the problem instead of avoiding it, and admitting that I am depressed is one of the steps a long the way. 

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If you are feeling down and lack interest in life, please pay attention to your other psychological symptoms, if you have any doubts try taking an online depression screening test or survey and seek professional help when you have any concern regarding the results. Seeking medical help to treat an allergy , back pain or an upset stomach is not any different from seeking medical help to treat depression, after all it is a condition that can cause a sever emotional disability and obstruct our view of life. 

Remember, you are not alone. 

Love

Zee