It is all in the mud

This is not a story about heartbreaks

In the remote island of Fuvahmulah in the south of Maldives, I found myself buried in a mud bath

From my toes and all the way up to my neck I was covered in piles and piles of mud.

My first instinct was to freak out and feel grossed 

I wanted to scream

I wanted to cry 

But I have already took a jump and fell in deep shit 

So what is there to lose?

It was a cloudy day and it looked like it was gonna rain 

Maldivian people don’t really recognize the seasons as we know them : summer, autumn, winter and spring 

They just know them as either dry season or monsoon rains 

In the South islands, June and July were considered rain seasons

but in the recent years the rain has been unpredictable and the land has been dry 

It sadness me that such green and lush lands have to suffer from the lack of regularity that has been circulating around these days

We had to ask around for a pick up car so we can get to Koda Kilhi as the mud baths are hidden in the wetlands of Bandaara Kilhi and it was quite a ride to get there 

The kind local friends that we were staying with agreed to take us on this adventure 

I am not all that adventurous despite the first impression I falsely give 

Lots of fears and hesitations fill my heart 

I second guess everything I do 

And I rarely act impulsively 

Or try to learn something out of my comfort zone 

It was my neighbor in the guesthouse, Emma who insisted that we go on this field trip so I can allow myself to be immersed in nature

She was also going through her own recovery experience and found comfort and healing in being literally surrounded by earth 

And I who flew miles and miles to be here, came to this island heavily packed with disappointment and mistrust had to learn how to give up my ego once and allow myself to let go 

At the beginning 

My body was tense and so was my soul 

I couldn’t accept that the expectations I drew for myself this year were all falling apart 

I couldn’t accept that I was honest and sincere and I was fooled and betrayed 

I couldn’t accept that I loved so enormously and it was all based on a lie 

I couldn’t accept that I lived an orchestrated show that was meant to lead me on 

I couldn’t admit that I saw all the flows and choose to ignore them 

I couldn’t admit that I heard all the warning alarms and I turned a deaf ear 

I didn’t accept the fact that away from the neat and tedious life that I lived was an untamed soul that longed to be free in the wild 

My body was buried in mud yet my head was in all sort of places 

but here

At this moment 

In this place 

With these people 

Under this sky 

Next to those kids playing and laughing 

It took me a moment 

To be able to inhale 

I filled my lungs with air 

I felt my broken ribs crack and the wounds in my heart

and I sinked

Almost drowned in earth 

The mud was no solid land and I felt heavy 

it pulled me down 

It pulled my sorrows to the ground 

I felt the earth embodying me 

I became one with Earth 

And so it became me

I felt the mercy 

I felt the kindness 

I felt the giving 

I felt the love 

I felt the protection 

I felt the inspiration 

I felt whole 

I felt complete 

I no longer felt alone 

I no longer felt pain 

I crawled my way up and left it all behind 

And the crows flew over the empty mud pile announcing the end of the bad times

The earth swell with blessings as the clouds gathered and announced that it was time to get up and wash it all out 

And it began to rain again 

• Emma said ; “now you can go home after you left it all in the mud”

20/07/2021 

*photos credit google*