Inadequate Forgiveness

Forgiveness 

A complicated process 

Especially in the face of adversity 

I have never been much of a forgiving person, I’ve been taught in my whole life to forgive other people, and to overlook their mistakes, and to be the bigger person, but that have not served me well throughout the years.

I don’t find forgiving someone who done me wrong rewarding

I don’t find forgiving someone who’s done me wrong fair

I don’t get fined for giving someone who’s done me wrong the natural course of action

I don’t find forgiving someone who’s done me wrong empowering

But there is a lot of things that have been said about forgiveness, and how much it helps someone to get over adversity or bad experiences , the hurt of being betrayed by someone or disappointed or cheated on.

There are a lot of stories about people who have forgiven someone who’ve killed or raped. 

Someone committed a big mistake, yet we tend to overlook the crime and we to glorify these forgiven victims , and portray them as an example of a higher oneself and example of someone who gave a hopeless person a second chance to live, or get re-integrated in society, or grow or change, and for whatever reason this criminal or sinner or whatever you call, this person gets a free pass and a second chance in life because they showed remorse 

I personally don’t believe in these stories .

I think these people should suffer the consequences of their actions.

I just don’t see the possibility of me doing that.

That’s why I did not choose the path of forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not suit me

Forgiveness is not who I am as a person 

Forgiveness does not help me move on

Forgiveness although it might work for other people, it does not work for me

I think one has the right to draw a line between what is forgivable, and what’s not in our lives 

But what do I do in the case of adversity?

What do I do in the case of hurt?

What do I do in the case of unforeseen actions from others?

I have to come up with something that I can relate to

Something that is true to me and my core values 

And some thing that can give meaning to my pain

Something that can give meaning to my experience

And some thing that can make sense in my emotional processing path

I know, although it may sound really strange, but I have chosen, gratitude rather than forgiveness

Gratitude suits me better than forgiveness

Gratitude feels more natural to me than forgiveness

Gratitude resonate with me more than forgiveness

So what should I feel grateful for in the face of hardship?

What should I feel grateful for in the face of adversity?

What should I feel grateful for in the face of others doing me wrong?

What should I feel grateful for in the case of injustice?

What should I feel grateful for when I feel unlovable

What should I feel grateful for when I feel stupid

What should I feel grateful for when I believe in the good of other people, and they still let me down

What should I feel grateful for when I trust in someone’s potential get shocked by the reality of who they actually are

Sometimes it’s difficult to find a silver lining

Sometimes it’s difficult to stop crying

Sometimes this is difficult to soothe the pain

Sometimes it is difficult to collect all the pieces together

Sometimes it’s difficult to hold it all together

Sometimes it’s difficult not to feel like a piece of crap

Sometimes it’s difficult to believe in your own judgment 

Sometimes it’s difficult to believe in your own worth

And sometimes it’s difficult to believe in your own power

I chose to be grateful for the bad things that happened to me because if they didn’t, I might still be delusional about a lot of things

I might still be telling myself colorful stories, I might be still giving more chances I might still be in the same place of life if I have not been hurt enough to move on, and find some thing else, I am might still not know my real value and worth I might still dwell on the same pain again, and again and again 

I feel grateful for all the friends and family that was there for me

I feel grateful for all the love and support I have in my life 

I feel grateful for all the consistent people that have been there for me

I feel grateful for how much I grow as a person

I feel grateful to how much I came to appreciate my soul 

I feel grateful to have much I am able to achieve when I’m alone.

I feel grateful that my energy is not wasted in the wrong places

I feel grateful because I am stronger than I ever been before

I feel grateful because I’m not stuck in a shity situation.

I feel grateful because I can give myself all of the things that I want and I need

I feel grateful for my ability to turn pain into power 

I choose to forgive myself for not valuing myself 

I choose to forgive myself for lowering my standards for anyone 

I choose to forgive myself for putting others first 

I choose to forgive myself for failing myself 

I choose to forgive myself for not speaking up when I should have 

I choose to forgive myself for roaming around loveless places 

I choose to forgive myself for putting up with too much 

I choose to forgive myself for not protecting myself 

I choose to forgive myself for not setting boundaries 

I choose to forgive myself for letting my self down 

I choose to forgive myself for wasting my energy and feelings

I choose to forgive myself for not wanting to be the bigger person anymore 

I choose to forgive myself for having been brought up believing in the good of others 

I choose to forgive myself for not knowing when to imagine the worst case scenario and when to hope for the best 

I choose to forgive myself for being the beautiful mess that I am 

 3 July 2023

Riyadh , Saudi Arabia